I'm so confused with all the assignment,  when I got to much, I don't feel to make it at all. I don't want to wake up from sleep. I don't want to live T_T


@;-BTB# :D

I don't have the urge to continue. I feel so empty. yet, I have a responsibility to keep, I must achieve it...


@;-BTB# :D

Contemplating

I'm thinking whether should I or shouldn't I change my master's mode from coursework to research. It's not really I hate going to class but kinda hate it a little bit when there's presentation and Q&A sessions. lol .The thing is, I'm hardly able to make a sudden shift from subject A then go study about subject B next which is totally different. It took time, kinda a lot. I really have a lots to do but I'm procrastinate just too long and it's not good. I'm well aware yet, I still ignore the consequences if I don't response.

In coursework of course it's kinda exciting as you got learn a lot about new things. It's similar to degree (like everyone said). You have exam, presentation, classes, but the workload is not as same as degree okay, you need to read lots of research paper, 4/5 of my subjects needs to read and do experiments, its time consuming bebeh. One is for skill and more to entrepreneur learning. Have 2 classes every week, my class in on the weekend and I have lots of time. Supposedly I'm able to do my assignment on weekdays. I'm a full timer, got 5 subjects for one semester. Supposedly I'm able to do well. But well I'm keep neglected my study and do NOTHING at all. Going to class, meeting people is so exhausting to me, not physically but mentally and I choose to stay in my rental room instead, just landing on bed, doing NOTHING again and again.

Maybe because I've been away for too long from society. After finishing my degree,  I locked myself for a year without socializing. Been at home eat,sleep,eat,sleep, make few artworks and that's all. In 356 days a year, less than 5 times I went outside my house. I don't met anyone except my family and as I got offer continuing my study, only then I step out from my home. Not so far, around 5 hours by car. I found it's really hard for me to be in society, having group work and presentation is hard sport for me nowadays. I'm extremely tired.

Coursework is really helpful for people who are not genius like me but it''s really hard for me to socialize and adapt new environment. I only have 1 1/2 year. I need to finish my master within that time. I'm seriously broke and got no money right now. My dad spend his money for me, it somehow not enough but I can't ask for more from him. Why I don't search my own money? I have a lots in my mind, many assignment, job is another task to be completed, I'm socially not prepared.

that's few reasons why I want to go to research, but still, I heard few rumors about I might unable to graduate if my research was not acceptable. it's money problem next.

I want to write more but need to go home already, I'm at university's library from this morning and it's evening already and didn't eat yet. Ok then, Bye

@;-BTB# :D

I demotivated

I don't feel like doing my assignment anymore, got no interest. It's just too much for me, I just can't catch up everything at once. I need to understand too much thing in such a little time. Yeah, people will say I'm being fussy, childish, immature. I'm taking master's degree right now isn't?  Being busy is a part of the game kiddo!.

It's true I like to learn new things, but one thing at a time. Not EVERYTHING in a day. I'm taking coursework because I need guidance how to do my thesis, that's the only reason I take this mode. I HATE groupwork, assignments, presentations.

I met counselor yet I was being blamed back. It's become solely my fault why I didn't finished my abundance task.I just had no willing on doing it, I demotivated. I met the counselor to talk to and have someone to listen to my problems. I don't want solutions. I just want someone to LISTEN to me. I know how to solve my problem. I just want to TALK and I'll automatically feel the burden isn't there anymore.

I got no one to talk to about my problems and I though meets the expert I could got my motivation back. It's just another mistakes. I lost trust in people long time ago. Now, I don't know what to do, I can't stop, my parent got high hope in me. I'm the only child doing master's degree. I also want them to be happy. I had nothing to offer to them, if continue my studies make them happier then I'll do it.

I really want to make it work. But I don't know how to keep myself motivated. Just solely depend on making my parents happy just not enough.

I keep questioning myself my I'm so slow, why I can't do anything faster, why I can't think logically, why I can't learn faster, why I can't catch up such a simple things,  why I'm soooo stupid.

@;-BTB# :D

it is it

I'm in dilemma, I feel so heavy. First, I feel really bad because I'm still using my parent's money. I'm at the age where I'm supposedly the one who give them money. Now, I'm continuing my studies and the fee is extremely expensive ( for me). My university I'm enrolled is the cheapest university in terms of fees in this country. Yet, the burden is still heavy for people like us. My dad was retired, and I'm using half of his savings for myself.

People asked me to find job, but I can't do many jobs at a time. I'll be seriously screw ups. I'm so terrified with the word "fail". It's an extreme nightmare and can't handle it anymore. Been fail so many times before and the feelings still exist. Now, migraine is kinda a part of my life n when it mixed with stress headache, you'll not become yourself anymore. It's a zombie.

@;-BTB# :D

searching for light

The feeling is like I'm in the middle of a very long dark tunnel. I need to stay alive and survive till I met the end. That's the aim. But how? What I know and do is just keep walking. But I  don't know how long I must do the walking, I need to eat and drink to hold the fort. It's too dark, I can't see anything.So, what should I do?

@;-BTB# :D

first assignment

12/9/19 My master's classes was on weekends.lol.only two days a week annnddd 5 subjects. Hahaha. T_T. last week was my very first day for new level of education. Yeah, got   the very first assignment too.

Because my level is masters degree right now, so everything is about research and lots of reading, just got a list of what the lecturer want on certain domain and submission date. Yeay! No more spoon feed alright?.haha.

I kinda like this situations where I got "lots" of time on weekdays as I'm taking coursework and fulltime mode of studies. My problem right now is just making decision on what to do/write. I'm kinda confuse whether I must narrowed down my reading or just take the main idea only.hmmmm

One of my longtime problem is to SPEAK!. In this level, if I can't speak, seriously I'm DONE.
I need to ask my lecturer about my confusion but got no guts at all and I'm in dilemma. I'm doing his task for 5 days already. I just hate myself why I still can't overcome my lacking.

Yeah, I just stop again for a while right now because I can't think straight anymore. I keep thinking something else and losing track of what I'm doing.


@;-BTB# :D

i'm continuing my studies

*all my previous stories been moved out, cause it's meaningless already *

I didn't even start it yet. Just got an offer letter. Yet, I felt like I'm failed already. Yeah, I'm terrified with the words "failed". Been failed too many times before. It's a shame, a nightmares. I'm also terrified with the words "presentation ". I'm gonna facing it both everyday. This time is a real thesis battles where I will be rejected and redo things repeatedly ,doing uncountable presentations in public.


The time I got the message I'm accepted, I smiled because it's a "successful ". But it's just afew seconds. Then I come to realization where I need to face the reality of taking this path. I need to face my main fobias one by one. It's not a good sign.


If I told people how I feel right now, maybe I'll be called crazy, over thinking, maniac...


I really want to do this, but I just don't believe in myself. I have a short-term memory lost , I can't remember much. That's why I kinda doesn't like exam. But I'm still taking the one with exams because It's has classes I can attend . I don't even have ''backup" ally and can't have it like last time ( that person came suddently and offering helps at the very last minute but then I severed our ties for some reason after that). So, I wont get any this time.


I just realize this one thing not long ago. I can start something but I just can never finished it myself. There'll be someone else do it for me. This is my main concern. I'm afraid I can't finished it on time when I'm alone. The time might be my enemy. The more I think about due date, my mind starting to frozen up altogether. I wonder what kind of countermeasures I must possess for my problems.


This decision of mine might be the ending of my life if I lost in the battlefield, might also be a ladder for another level. I'm already losing my way after the industrial training end. This maybe a new beginning for a loser like me. I wonder....



@;-BTB# :D